The satirical news publication The Onion announced Thursday it purchased conservative conspiracy theorist Alex Jones’s Infowars website at a bankruptcy auction.
“All told, the decision to acquire InfoWars was an easy one for the Global Tetrahedron executive board,” a satirical CEO Bryce P. Tetraeder said in a joking statement about the acquisition.
Jones’s Infowars business went to auction after the trustee in charge of his bankruptcy proceedings moved to shut down the site and liquidate his assets.
Jones was ordered by the court to sell at auction Infowars and some of his other personal property to satisfy the judgments against him. While the precise terms of the deal are not yet known, according to multiple media reports, the Sandy Hook families reportedly agreed to settle for a smaller recovery from the judgment in order to bolster the size of the bid from The Onion. (RELATED: Judge Orders Alex Jones To Liquidate Personal Assets To Pay Sandy Hook Families)
Oliver Darcy reported the story in his Status newsletter Thursday morning, writing that the deal would entail “The Onion, owned by Twilio co-founder Jeff Lawson and led by chief executive Ben Collins, acquir[ing] Infowars’ website, product inventory, customers lists, social media accounts, and intellectual property.”
Collins urged his followers, “You better fucking subscribe to The Onion. This is the kind of thing we will do with your money. It allowed us to buy InfoWars. Now help us staff it.”
Jones posted a nearly two-minute video on X Thursday morning, discussing the sale.
Jones said that there would be “injunctions” filed and he would continue to broadcast on other platforms. “I don’t know what’s going to happen,” he said. “But I’m going to be here until they come in here and turn the lights off. I’m gonna say, where’s your court order.”
The Onion published a statement blasting Jones, “the hapless owner of InfoWars (a forgettable man with an already-forgotten name)” who had been “outwitted” and forced to sell his company.
Make no mistake: This is a coup for our company and a well-deserved victory for multinational elites the world over.
What’s next for InfoWars remains a live issue. The excess funds initially allocated for the purchase will be reinvested into our philanthropic efforts that include business school scholarships for promising cult leaders, a charity that donates elections to at-risk third world dictators, and a new pro bono program pairing orphans with stable factory jobs at no cost to the factories.
As for the vitamins and supplements, we are halting their sale immediately. Utilitarian logic dictates that if we can extend even one CEO’s life by 10 minutes, diluting these miracle elixirs for public consumption is an unethical waste. Instead, we plan to collect the entire stock of the InfoWars warehouses into a large vat and boil the contents down into a single candy bar–sized omnivitamin that one executive (I will not name names) may eat in order to increase his power and perhaps become immortal.
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Looks like political persecution to me.